right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
