I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Randomize
