Please don't use social media to get back at me.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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