Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
