i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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