So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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