I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
