I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I am one with the molecules
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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