just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
