lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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