So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
