when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
