you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
