i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
