my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
