So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
