It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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