It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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