So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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