Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
