The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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