I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
