i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
