Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
