Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
