apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
