he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
