There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
