like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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