with your own penis?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
