I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
