You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
