Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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