It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
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I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
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He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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