so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
