I'm going to jail i love you
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
