she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
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