No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
