I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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