I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
