Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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