I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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