the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
