last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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