theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
