Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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