he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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