If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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