First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
