you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
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Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
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The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus