i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis