I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
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i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
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The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"