Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷