mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
