it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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