1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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