he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
