Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
did i just pee glitter
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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