It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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